my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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