i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
