His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
