What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
