if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
