Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
