The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
