Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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