i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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