My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
