I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
