...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
