On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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