my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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