Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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