Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
