I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
