and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
