what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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