my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
