the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
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