Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
