She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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