I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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