It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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