he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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