Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
