The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
