Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
