If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
