maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
