I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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