i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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