chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
