Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
