At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
