I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
