dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
