Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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