I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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