I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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