jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
