Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
