Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
