I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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