Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
