OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
