Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my being single is dangerous.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
