I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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