i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.