and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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