If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
