One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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