News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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