I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
