when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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