Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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